Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo – 7

(Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo was a little narrato-pictoral experiment I ran on tumblr over the summer. I liked it enough that I’m going to keep making it! However, I’m going to do it here instead. Check out Part 1 here, or the last part here.)

“You know, I’m actually astonished. This might be, well, a decent idea. Which is saying a whole lot.”  The Vice Admiral paced back and forth through Captain Pandemic’s cabin, waiting for dinner to begin.

Barker was busy getting into his dress uniform. “Could this be a ploy of some kind, sir? Corner us or split us up while she sneaks onto our ship?”

The Vice Admiral looked on him admonishingly. “Barker, the Captain’s idea of a ‘ploy’ is to send a 10 person crack-team onto our ship over the course of several days to steal the bags which our food was held in, so that ‘We’ll harrve to eat all the food right arrway, and get fat and complarrrrcent!’“

Barker laughed. “I suppose you’re right. Lets go.”

They stepped into a dining room, far nicer than any other place on the ship. Captain Pandemic was sitting with Buccaneer Gray and down a little ramp the crews of both ships were slowly warming up to each other. “How will ye have yer steak, Vice Admiral?”

“Rare. I mean, no, I won’t have steak, because that doesn’t make ANY sense because we’ve been out to sea for days. I’ll have fish or sea turtle or something.”

“As ye wish! Here, while yer’ waitin, look over our maps an’ our projected course, we think we arr about a week behind the red-sailed ship. If we joined up, I’d lay me life on the idea we could take ‘er by sarrrrprise.”

“Okay, just one more thing. But have you even LOOKED at these maps? How do you know the coastline of Florida that well? And we didn’t successfully get the river systems of South America down ‘til like a CENTURY later. And our position? What, do you think we have Google freakin’ EARTH? We’re in the middle of the ocean! People make maps by walking along the ground with a bloody stick of graphite in their hand! They didn’t even put erasers on the ends of them until eight-teen-sixty-bloody-two!”

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Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo – 6

(Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo was a little narrato-pictoral experiment I ran on tumblr over the summer. I liked it enough that I’m going to keep making it! However, I’m going to do it here instead. Check out Part 1 here, or the last part here.)

“Captain! A ship off the mizzenbow!”Captain Pandemic pulled her spyglass up and spied it on the horizon.

“Arr, what good luck! If we make good time, we should be able to reach it before the others! And what a prize that MacGruffin said he would give us if we were the first to retrieve the chest aboard that ship!”

“Sails to full! We’re top speed, laddesses! Throw yar anchors and whip the whale, we’re catchin’ em!”

The Vice Admiral looked back to the faint black sails growing larger. “Oh, son of a-“

Within moments they had pulled up beside each other and thrown the white flag. “Arr, hand over yer chest, ye lily-livered lilies! The Vice Admiral! I shoulda known you’d be keepin the chest for yerself. MacGruffin will hear o’ yarr defeat!”

“Erm, Captain,” Buccaneer Gray mentioned, “I believe this isn’t the ship we be looking for.”

The Vice Admiral stepped out of his cabin. “Wait, did you say MacGruffin? The man who sent us out here to hunt after that red-sailed ship?”

“No, you liver-lillied liver, you’re dumber than a plank on which you’ll be walkin’! He sent US to hunt after the red-sailed ship, not YOU! Well, us along with all the other ships in the haarrrbor.”

She looked at him accusingly and drew her sword toward his neck, and the crews of both ships waited for a solid two minutes until the dawning realization hit her face.


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Aubrey The Quill, pt. 5

[This is the fifth in a series of in-character recaps of a DnD session I’m running in attempt to make what is traditionally a super boring part of DnD a much more fun one. It’s following the “Rise of the Sun King” via the eyes of reporter Aubrey “The Quill”. Check out last week’s here, and check back next week for pt. 6! This one was titled “Gramore Hodgehollow Acts Calm in the Face of Unseen Assailants”, and was a solo campaign following Gramore Hodgehollow.]

(ed. note: Gramore Hodgehollow, aka “The Sting”, has been seen by many who study the events of Pod 54 and the Rise of the Sun King as a Protagonist and Hero due to his role in the events that followed. It must be cautioned that while his true motives remain unknown, we can only assume, given his recently uncovered past, that they were not entirely altruistic. Though we cannot know if future Constantine should have appeared to any other member of Pod 54, all we can know is that we remain glad that he arrived outside the tent of The Sting.)

The last I saw of Gramore Hodgehollow, he was slipping out the door of the Tavern in the Wreck of the Zeta Twenty-Two, probably assuming he’d never return to us again. I was going to say something to Hathron about it, but I had a feeling he’d be back. We’ve been through a fair bit, Pod 54, and I’m beginning to feel an odd sense of kinship to them, despite the fact that through misfortune and ill circumstance we are probably the second unluckiest Pod in the whole of the Moshardeen Army. Anyway, Gramore took off into the night and it wasn’t until MUCH later that I eventually heard the whole story.

Just after he left, he spent some time taking in the sights of the city and eventually was just grabbing some food when a kid lifted his whole coin purse off of him and dashed back down an alleyway. Gramore chased after him, past a group of Zeta thugs that apparenty had also been pickpocketed by the same kid. Gramore lost him in the streets, and, annoyed, went into the nearest tea shop and began trawling for rumours. Within some time he heard that there was a shot this pickpocket lived up on a nearby shantytown hill, and so Gramore tossed down some change at set after him.

He came to the house, however, was mistaken for a friend of the pickpocket’s by the pickpocket’s mother, who was ill with coal-sickness and lived off of ivory medicine that her son (the pickpocket, named Jeremy) bought for her. She worried where he was getting the money, however, Gramore assauged her fears and then left. Jeremy came home and Gramore spied on them from the window, and watched as she worried that he was in trouble, and he stormed upstairs to count the money. Gramore climbed up through the window and accosted Jeremy, but Gramore ended up giving him the stolen money and his ivory bracelet in exchange for his apprenticeship.

Gramore climbed outside the the slow claps of a figure from the shadows, who called himself Ghent the Sheriff and wore a silver masquerade-mask and a black tunic. He asked Gramore to be his apprentice, and if he accepted, to meet him atop the Wreck of the Twenty-Two next full moon in two days time. Then, he went inside the house and blood spattered the windows, for, as he said, “No one steals from the Zeta Cartel.”

Gramore wandered the streets, however, ran into that group of Zeta thugs who incorrecty assumed Gramore was the theif. After assaulting him, he quickly dispatched two, but was knocked out by the last and woke some time later, bleeding in a gutter with nothing but the clothes on his back. Swearing vengeance, he tracked the zetas to their nearby guard house, where he barged in and stormed downstears, where he ruthlessly cut the throats of all the guards. The guard-captain of the station, feigning ignorance, quickly evacuated the scene alongside Gramore and privately thanked him for getting rid of the extremely unpleasant thugs, treating him to tea and getting him a job serving tea, where he spent the next few days getting back on his feet. The night of the full moon, he bid the shopkeeper farewell and hiked across town to the Wreck of the Zeta 22.

While the front door was heavily guarded, Gramore managed to sneak into the river and swim up into the cellar, nearly drowning under a pile of wreckage. He snuck upstairs where a quite fancy party for Zeta high-rollers was being thrown, waiting for the Salamander bartender to duck downstairs before smashing a keg and feigning he was a servant with now-wrecked clothes. He was shown to the servant’s room, where he was issued a new uniform and a plate of appetizers, with which he snuck across the room and upstairs, through sideways decks to the main Zeta headquarters, where he spent some time snooping.

In the various evidence he looked through, a few things stood out, mainly the fact that one member of the original whaling crew who left from Ere did not return on the voyage back, which was probably just an oversight. There were several documents on coal, and a few which attempted to rationalize the effects of it, which were mainly inconclusive.

Gramore found a secret panel which led to a stairway which took him up a long flight of recently-built stairs, up to a cathedral-like pointed hall, where Ghent the Sheriff stood with his back to the door, welcoming Gramore. The walls were lined with weapons, includng a particularly notable gleaming red axe, and Ghent shouted the secrets of coal at Gramore while they fought. Gramore could not lay a blow on Ghent as he danced around him, and eventually – when Gramore threw a dagger that was just about to strike Ghent in the face – the dagger paused in midair and fell to the ground. Ghent then smiled and, breaking a piece of the ship off with his mind, welcomed Gramore Hodgehollow aboard as he sent them flying across the land on his levitating raft.

He explained several things which I have already mentioned, and made several personal and sweeping comments, though it does not seem relevant to document these as his actions are much clearer than his mangled thoughts, as I’ll soon write down, as soon as I get a spare moment. Looks like we’re off again, though, and I’m a fair bit slower now – though the medic makes a mean crutch. Quickly, then, Ghent dropped Gramore off just outside the wreck of the 22, where he recieved his personal effects from the gatekeeper and a small package which the gatekeeper said was from ‘a guard, who in turn ws given it by a scrappy looking kid’. It had a bit of coin, a few days rations, an ivory bracelet, and a note that said “I made it out. Thanks. -J”,

Really need to leave now, Hathron is giving me that look again. Aubrey the Quill out.

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Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo – 5

(Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo was a little narrato-pictoral experiment I ran on tumblr over the summer. I liked it enough that I’m going to keep making it! However, I’m going to do it here instead. Check out Part 1 here, or the last part here.)

“A note for yarr, captain!” Buccaneer Gray swung across the ship with a message in his outstretched hand and gave it to Captain Pandemic. “From the Great Pirate himself!”

“The Great Pirrrate? Gasp,” she said. “We must leave immediately. Arr.”

“Captain, it says for you to come alone. Up to the mansion at the hill, the meeting is in 15 minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes? Gasp,” she said. “Let us be away! Arr.”

She bashed in the door. “Who be you and why be you usin the name o’ the Great Pirate to summon me ‘ere?”

“I be Barko MacGruffin the First, Captain of the Shameless Bologna, and right hand to the Great Pirate ‘imself.”

“Well I be Captain Pandemic o’ the Daring Kazoo, Waverider 1st class, certified Alpha-Pirate by the Guild o’ Pirates, AND reigning champion o’ the Shantytown dirtbike race for three years runnin’.”

“Arr, I see. O’ course, I be a Waverider 0th class, plus-rank captain by the Board of Certifiers an’ Such, 3-year top customer at Greasy Ale’s Ale n’ Grease,  AN’ winner o’ the Olympic gold in wrestlin’ whales.”

“I unnerstand, but you ‘ave to see, I am an MVP (Most Valuable Pirate) at seven o’ the ten-“

“Arr, and I be the leader o’ the Pirate Acafellas and am the fastest rower on slave ships out o’-“

“Yarr, though I be the Dragon o’ the Sea, and I own a pair of glasses that’ll-“

“Thar I recognize, but I be-“

Later that evening, the Vice Admiral received word from a nobleman named Barko Macgruffin the First, who had apparently been talking to every ship in the harbor about a special mission, direct from the queen herself.

He walked through the door frame, which a few servants were busy re-attatching a door to. “Hellloo! I be Barko Macgruffin the First. You’re the Vice Admiral, I presume?”

“The First? How many children do you have? You know, I have a daught-“

Barko looked at him stupidly. “None. What kind of a dumb question is that?”

The Admiral sighed. “Nevermind. Go on.“

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Aubrey The Quill, pt. 4

[This is the fourth in a series of in-character recaps of a DnD session I’m running in attempt to make what is traditionally a super boring part of DnD a much more fun one. It’s following the “Rise of the Sun King” via the eyes of reporter Aubrey “The Quill”. Check out last week’s here, and check back next week for pt. 5! This one was titled “The Hunt for Pod 19 Concludes with Depression and Misfortune”.]

(ed. note: Some modern historians have taken the character of “Link” to be merely fictitious, seeing him as an analogy of the no doubt many mercenaries, merchants, and entrepeneurs who attempted to exploit the coal’s effects and the efforts of Pod 54 for personal gain. While his dramatic end definitely supports this theory, without other evidence any arguments are merely speculative.)

The Zeta’s favour that they wanted of us was to deal with some debt that an elvish king, situated up the river a ways, had with a member of the Zeta Cartel. The journey to the elven King’s caverns were without much incident, though “The Sting” did disappear much to the annoyance of Hathron. However, as I’ve mentioned [ed: See “Sir Aubrey Remains…”], we ran into Sir Aubrey in the caverns of the King, standing over the disgusting remains of the king. His heart was pulled directly out of his chest. The elf who has been travelling with us swore he spotted a woman clad in black (now it is clear this is Rascal, but at the time it was dismissed), but our attentions were focused on a handful of elves who were attempting to break into our room and began attacking us from the doorway. Constantine, the mercenary I believe I’ve talked about before, was able to prop the door closed and buy us time to escape through a back entrance and then dashed after us. We exited the caverns into the cool night air, and caught up on our journeys as we walked back to the Wreck of the Zeta Twenty-Two over the next few days.

Sir Astrid and the elf waited outside of the city for whatever undiscernable reason du jour they were spinning, while the rest of us fanned out and sought supplies, food, entertainment, and in the case of myself, medicine for my artist. The monks went off and blew their remaining savings at the temple of Fortune with a mercenary named Link we picked up on the way. He, uh, accosted us at the docks and attempted to forcibly enter out party. While I wasn’t there, it seemed that it worked?

Hathron and Constantine met back up with the Information Broker, and swapped the news of the secret entrance to the elf caves and the completion of their quest to make them pay. In return, they recieved some additional information on the whereabouts of Pod 19, and a letter from General Boone, attatched to a hawk which now is Sir Astrid’s. We reached a general consensus to try to follow their trail up north and see if any of Rascal’s band had run across them, noting several peculiarities in the documents we had.The now 12 of us, now, (3 Monks, the Princess disguised as a page who kept attracting odd looks from the mercenary Link who travelled with us, Sir Astrid and his squire Hathron, myself and my artist, Constantine Serakus, and the elf,) set off to the north and remained relatively unbothered except by the cold until that evening, where we stumbled across a network of ruins where we pitched camp.

At camp that evening, the mercenary ran across a series of unmarked graves, later found to be three members of Pod 19, one of whom suffered severe skeletal… mutations. This whole set of ruins was on a huge bed of unrefined coal, though. The artist has been looking awful, so I’ve been making him some tea. I think he went down to take a bath, I think I’ll go check on him now. He’s done remarkably well illustrating the stuff here, please make sure to insert them at appropriate moments, you guys. (ed. – see appendices) I’m going to go check on him now, it’s getting late. Aubrey the Quill, signing off for the evening.

I’ve seen many things across Ere. Back home, I’ve looked a hanging king in the eye as he breathed his dying breath. I’ve watched the Lone Elves in battle, I’ve lived through the Eight-Month Siege of the Marcher Lords. I’ve run from the Southern Wolf-tribes, who are the size of lions and can consume a man entire in eight seconds flat. I’ve even witnessed the invasions of the Northern Orcs, who sail in swift as a fogbank and will tear your eyes out for their pagan gods.

But nothing, nothing I’ve seen has ever even dared to compare to what the coal turned my artist into. A great frothing beast, brought down by a spike of ivory plunged straight into his chest. He batted our fiercest warrior across unfathomable distances, and knocked down a castle wall with his bare hands. This is the work of the coal. It still pains me to write of it. I’ll say no further, only that we left the following morning with little reason to turn back. I still did.

With time, we came to Rascal’s Hideout, the cave beneath the lake. After introductions, the elf kid questioned a fairy named Barge on his ravings about one “University”, Rascal was brief and somber, Amber developed a remarkably blatant attraction to Hathron, and we learned Amber had accompanied Pod 19 and spied upon them since their arrival. They were attempting to find mining supplies up to the north. Link, who had been incessant in his understanding of his “knack” and how it could benefit him, eventually coaxed Rascal into letting him enter The Cairn. Not a few moments after, he opened his eyes and two cylindrical beams of light flew out, reflecting off the sides of the cairn, burning through him and tearing him to shreds.

Suffice it to say no one else attempted to enter the cairn. Well, save one – that night, Hathron snuck out of the tent, and (Watched by an invisible Rascal) proceeded to knock himself out inside the cairn, and Rascal brought him back to health, called him an idiot, and left.

The following morning we made our way north, when only three things of note occured: 1) we came across the grave of another member of Pod 19, whom we suspect was killed by the man called ‘C’. 2) The Princess Rane claimed to see a great mechanical bird fly through the sky, which matched one she had drawn in her sketchbook three weeks ago. 3) We came across a signpost which pointed us in the direction of the mine which Pod 19 apparently entered. We spent the night there and entered the mine the next morning.

In a clever bit of cunning, we saw the Lantern they had purchased broken by the doorstep, and then followed the trail of burned-out torches down into the mine. The elf claimed he could here someone screaming down there, but no one else heard it. After passing through the various collapsed mineshafts, rooms of coal which flew with magnetic attraction, and rooms where dense coal played god with gravity and passing corpses on the way, we ran across the dying calls of the leader of Pod 19, who directed us down the way to where the last 3 members of Pod 19 were apparently still alive and holding all their good they’d pillaged from their travels.

We entered this final room, which glowed with torches and was covered in all manner of plant life, and a few fully grown trees surrounding a pool of still blue water. Three corpses – no, two corpses and a dying botanist lay around the pool, and the botanist proceeded to tell us about how she had a kind of revelation and discovered how to control her knack, and in showing it to her two companions they ruthlessly cut her down, fearful of all the magic and danger that surrounded them. I can’t say that I blame them. After what we’ve seen… if any members in our party began to betray signs of such power, I wouldn’t be to surprised to find them dead the next morning.

After watching her die, we took their supplies and left via a shaft, which glided us up towards a pocket of dense coal and out of the mine. We headed back to Rascal’s hideout, said our hellos, mentioned the mechanical bird, and immediately found that the bird was no bird, but rather the famous world-travelling Cartographer, David Nestico. Rascal’s Crew immediately wanted to set out in hunt for him before the other various factions on the island found him, however Constantine wanted his promised turn in the Cairn before we left. All of us waiting excitedly, we opened the cairn to find him disappeared.

Constantine stood in the cairn for some time, then got bored and opened it again, to find the whole hideout covered in a thick layer of dust… in the future.

Aubrey the Quill, signing off for now. Whenever that is.

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Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo – 4

(Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo was a little narrato-pictoral experiment I ran on tumblr over the summer. I liked it enough that I’m going to keep making it! However, I’m going to do it here instead. Check out Part 1 here, or the last part here.)

“Barker, take note. We need eight weeks salt and tack, replacements on our line, shot…. Barker! Take note!”

“Vice Admiral, sir, this is the twelfth time we’ve been over this. We have already bought all that! Where did you think the line I’m rigging came from?” The Vice Admiral looked at him in the same way a goldfish looks at Jupiter.

“Maybe you should go for a walk? We have some spare coin, why don’t you go pick up some, uh…” he fished for help as he looked through the crew, “some… We could use some more… nails?”

So the Vice Admiral found himself, nails in hand, stumbling past the vaguely ridiculous tones of the pirate queen, Captain Pandemic.

“Ma’am, I don’t CARE what you’ve heard, we do NOT have any fire-resistant talismans, warlock-staves, or rings of power.”

“Arr, ye be playin me hardball, I see it now. Well, yer glasses o’ mesmerisination there, how much for that?” Captain Pandemic, as he saw her now, turned her cap to the side.
“It’s not a – whatever,” the vendor sighed. The Vice Admiral began slowly creeping behind a stall.

He watched her pick it up and put them on, slowly leaning over. “Mermisation, huh? Well then, ‘Glasses’, show me… my worst enemy!”

The Vice Admiral froze when he heard the street vendor say, “Uh, you’re Captain Pandemic, right? The crazy chick that stalks that admiral guy? He’s over there,” the vendor pointed.

“Gasp! I’ll take your magic glasses, woman!”

“Whatever, those were broken anyway.”

The Vice Admiral walked over annoyed muttering, “Wait, glasses? Are those even invented yet? Shouldn’t they be worth a ridiculous amount of money or something?”

“Actually,” the shopkeeper replied, “glasses have been in wide circulation since the mid-1700s.”

“Fine, but… magic glasses?”

The vendor shrugged and said, “Well, I have to give that one to you.”

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Aubrey The Quill, pt. 3

[This is the third in a series of in-character recaps of a DnD session I’m running in attempt to make what is traditionally a super boring part of DnD a much more fun one. It’s following the “Rise of the Sun King” via the eyes of reporter Aubrey “The Quill”. Check out last week’s here, and check back next week for pt. 4! This one was titled “Sir Astrid Remains Confused About the Rapidly Unravelling Situation”, and was a solo campaign following Sir Astrid.]

(ed. note: One might assume from the highly detailed depictions that Aubrey “The Quill” Bohemond was present at the events chronicled, however, this was clearly not the case, as you will read presently. In fact, several of her later documents were provided via second hand descriptions, which were then flushed out via questioning and Aubrey’s intellectual creativity.)

Sir Astrid Busser Cassus had a slightly different take on the events preceeding the first expedition into the forest. While the group of us were going about our seperate ways, he took to extracting information from the Royal Messenger, hearing about the rash of sickness and unexplainable events sweeping across the various settling towns, and a man who apparently had his heart ripped directly out of his chest. While initially dismissed as a freak accident, we later found… connected… murders. I’ll go into that later.

We soon left Boone’s Crater in the hunt for Pod 19, as I’ve written previously. That evening, Hathron heard noises off in the forest, then turned back to the camp to see a woman garbed in black shimmer out of existence, clutching Sir Astrid. From Sir Astrid’s point of view, the two of them turned “invisible”, and she lead him out into the forest, where the two of them watched our fight with the mercenaries. After cursing to herself, the black-garbed woman snuck back into camp and dropped a note which tied the Mercenaries to the Zeta Cartel. As she spirited Sir Astrid away into the forest, she said he would get answers if he followed her, and she introduced herself as Rascal Drane (a fairy) leader of a Resistance movement who was based out of Rascal’s Hideout, a little cave a ways to the north.

They traveled through the night, talking of coal and ivory, and (most notably) the natives. Apparently those Fey-raced Humanoids who call The Island home are mandated by a higher authority to wear ivory in order to prevent chaos from breeding. This natural spawns bands of people who aren’t so keen on cutting away that part of themselves, and Rascal’s Gang is one of these bands. They claim to dedicate themselves to helping those persecuted by these ‘Ivories’. She took him inside their camp, a cave located in a coal-rich pocket beneath a lake, and introduced him to her 11-person crew. Most notably in this crew was a ‘Siphon’ called Leopold (who was out talking to someone referred to as the “Big Guy”), Rascal herself, a flame-haired illusionist named Amber, her second in command Dark Owl, [ed. Barge, the infamous character from the “University Incident”, was here as well], and various others. While there Sir Astrid learned of his own manifested ability (or “knack”, as they called it), the ability to ‘Siphon’ or leech abilities off of others, in a sense. It seemed to be strongest when he was actually touching others. While Rascal said that Leopold would be able to explain the knack best, this unfortunately never came to pass.

Oh! Quite importantly, Rascal’s Gang was also situated around a dome of highly dense coal, which (when one person enters) highly amplifies their abilities and allows those who don’t know precisely what their ‘knack’ is, to discover them. Astrid was forced to prove himself inside ‘The Cairn’, this dome. While his time inside it was explosive and exhausting, he came out alive and was proven worthy to stay with the band. After a few days rest, he was given some gifts and went out on his first (successful) mission with the gang, robbing an armored Ivory caravan.

Upon return, their joy was quickly drained when they found Leopold dead in Rascal’s Hideout, his heart ripped out of his chest. Rascal flew out of the cave in anger, following up their most recent lead on the assassin who was apparently hunting down various people on the island, apparently randomly. They called this mystery murderer “C”, and Dark Owl warned Sir Astrid that Rascal had very particular reasons to get furious about C, and had vanished for days at a time, hunting for him. Dark Owl persuaded Sir Astrid to go after Rascal, and try to keep her from doing anything rash.

He followed her through the night to the only lead Rascal had on C’s whereabouts, an Elvish King who had set up camp in some caves where Rascal had previously hid some time ago. Rascal knew of a secret entrance, but Sir Astrid persuaded her to wait and let him scope it out first. Rascal followed a little ways behind. He walked into the Elvish King’s chambers, to see him lying face down on a four poster bed. After calling out to him, he turned the king over to see his heart pulled out of his chest, and Rascal standing at the entryway, crestfallen. Just as this occured, the others of Pod 54 walked into the room.

Aubrey the Quill, signing off for the afternoon.

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