Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo

(Captain Pandemic and the Daring Kazoo is a recurring illustrated short story, which is updated every thursday with about 200 words and 2 pictures. This is part 1, but more can be found here, on my tumblr!)

Captain Pandemic of the Daring Kazoo raised her golden-hilted scimitar up to the heavens as cannonballs blazed overhead.  “Raise the missensail! Hoist the port bow! Double the starboard longs!” She swung down to the main deck from an extraneous rope and looked straight into the face of the Vice Admiral. “Arr, you’re walkin the plank now, matey!”

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The Vice Admiral sighed and leaned against the wall as his sailors began flinging grappling hooks across the way. “First off, “Walking the plank is a misrepresentation of traditional piracy, which was actually an extremely rare phenomenon that has been unnecessarily dulled by modern representations of piracy.” He ducked as a musket ball whizzed overhead, and pulled out his sword to parry Captain Pandemic’s blows. “Second, scimitars are from Southeast Asia, and I highly doubt you are an Ottoman. The sword you should be carrying is a cutlass.”

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Captain Pandemic scoffed in a manner most affronting as she danced across a rope and engaged the Vice Admiral. “Arr, your fancible words show your downfall! Now hand over the chalice and we’ll spare you a trip to a watery grave!” She thrust to the left, then right, and the Vice Admiral parried.

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